OUT OF SELF: DAY 14......My sobriety date is March 25, 2007. I spent years seeking God. Instead, what I found is a wonderful new way of life. I'm an active, breathing, living member of the human race. Thanks AA for the opportunity to live life differently. Thanks AA for teaching me that the key to my happiness is in the effort. Progress not perfection.

Friday, April 06, 2007
OUT OF SELF:DAY 13....Today is "Good Friday". I'm an alcoholic/addict and I have to be cautious.....I must avoid slippery ground no matter what day it is. I have to tell on myself. My willingness to take direction from my sponsor is slacking. I blame the depression. It has taken its toll this last few days. The committee actually turned into a full fledged AAA convention in my head (active addicts anonymous). Granted, I've been clean and sober 13 days, but, I've been paralyzed with fear and I can't stand it any longer. This has got to change TODAY. It was suggested that I call my last employer and ask if they would be willing to consider taking me back, so I called. We'll see what happens, the result is not up to me. Next, exercise other employment options, then call a friend and go to a noon meeting, after the meeting, go back to job searching and then go to a NA meeting. Tonite, I'll go to my regular meeting and after wards to the OC AA convention (which I hope will crowd out the AAA convention going on in my head). Sanity means: to be willing; to let go of my old ideas, absolutely; to develop an attitude of acting rather than re-acting; taking contrary action. To believe that we can achieve a state of saneness by practicing the principles of the program of recovery (the steps ) to the best of our ability. Sanity does materialize, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. We just gotta keep breathing so we can work at it, one day at a time.

OUT OF SELF: DAY 12.....Thanks to AA, I didn't have to stay up all night last night consuming mind altering chemicals. This morning after I woke up and before I left the house I got on my knees and read E. fox. I did not put too much thought into it because of the references made about god, righteousness, and being persecuted, and of course, Christ is the foremost example of that, although it didn't say that. Then I went to sunrise where I learned more about the primitive nature of my existence. That reptilian part of my brain that wants to establish a perpetual dictatorship over my life, and bask in the sun eating flies all day (bar flies, alley flies, same difference). The 12&12 calls that state of existence "savage". Step two does say: "came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity". Having been reduced to a state of hopelessness and lacking any self-sufficiency by my addiction, I took my first step by admitting that I am powerless and my life is unmanageable. So now what do I do?. Three suggestions are given: 1) AA does not require that I have to believe anything; all 12 steps are but suggestions. 2) I can get clean and sober and stay clean and sober without having to "swallow" all of Step two, easy does it. 3) Keep an open mind and resign from the debating society......I'm content to know that I am a part of a greater whole; that I belong to the human race. But upon re-entering AA I found that AA is a partial whole within a greater whole. AA is responsible for keeping me grounded one day at a time, and sometimes, one breath at a time. AA is the solution which keeps me from returning to active addiction. If that's god, so be it. I certainly don't want to be put out of the game forever. I still think that I have one more chance and this is it. The disease of addiction is progressive, chronic and fatal. Its cunning, baffling and powerful....."Humility and intellect could be compatible, provided that we place humility first"...The catholic religion coupled with my personal experience taught me to be very suspicious of others. I saw the contradictions between good and evil. The punishing god. The wolf disguised as a sheep. One day I made the decision to abandon my faith, though deep down, I believed that I had already been condemned to eternal damnation. But I stood my ground in utter defiance and despite my belief because I figured there was no other way out. The established system was upside down and it had to be replaced. By withdrawing my support from it, as much as I could, and refusing to participate I thought that that would diminish the impact on my life. It didn't. I watched myself get sicker, morally and spiritually. I had not anticipated the devastating effects of my way of thinking and acting. I had embarked on an ordeal that had to run its course. Being in full flight from reality. In total denial. Being the extreme example of self will run riot. Being the result of a failed insane attempt to kill myself. I stand before you, and to quote a friend, say: "it takes what it takes to get here; it takes what it takes to stay here". "Sanity" is defined as soundness of mind". I'm sort of glad to be alive. AA has taught me that there's a solution to my problem. But first, "first things first". Don't take any mind altering chemicals. Go to meetings (a lot of meetings, in my case). Stay away from slippery places. Be honest. keep an open mind and be willing. By doing those "simple" things one day at a time, I'll get to hear my wake up call.

OUT OF SELF: DAY 11.... Went to sunrise. Todays reading made emphasis on the use of the tools of the program of recovery. The steps, sponsorship, the telephone, meetings, writing, and, of course, service. They were so designed to give us an opportunity to experience life on life's terms. They were so designed to give us a daily reprieve from active addiction. Evenings seem to be the most troublesome for me, a trigger, specially after meetings when I have nothing to do. I don't like to be alone; that's usually when I begin to think that everyone has a better life than me, which, of course, is probably true. Self-pity sets in and the obsession returns sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. It crowds out the program and the tools of recovery from my conciousness. So, last night after the meeting, I called a sober friend just so that I could make the trip home and be able to lay my head on my pillow clean and sober for one more day. Three weeks ago, I could not even make it to the meeting. I was stuck in a drug infested alley. It has been suggested that when I share in meetings, that I share about the solution, not the problem. I have one day of abstinence today!. I have yet to get down on my knees. Its all good though because I plan to when I finish this post. The Angels are playing the Rangers and I plan to be at the game in the company of clean and sober friends. Tonite I'm going to my regular meeting and try to listen and hang on to every word said, (that's a tall order) but, I'll do my best....Your godless member of AA.......Diego....

OUT OF SELF: DAY 10.....This morning when I woke-up, I rolled out bed and fell on my knees (ouch!), showered; got dressed and went to sunrise sobriety, even though I really didn't want to. Once again I'm experiencing that feeling of not being connected. I'm needy and lost and don't know what to do. Talking with my sponsor helps but he is by no means my higher power. There isn't anything that's outside of myself that I can change except me. Its an inside job and that's all there's to it. My attitude, despite everything that's going on around me, has to change. It helps if I don't smoke crack cocaine also. Today I'll spend time job searching and going to meetings.....What I'm about to share will kill me if I keep it to myself. I haven't been eating right. I'm out of control and not at all comfortable with that feeling of being bloated. Its an unpleasant feeling that I haven't had to experience for a while. I'm seeing the gains made in that area being squandered slowly; its pretty messy and I'm pissed....Dealing with active addiction is a bitch....I'm a real addict and I've got the pedal to the metal and can't stop. I know there's a solution but I'm not in it...I guess I could start my day over right now.....Also, and this is a little weird, the sound of my phone constantly ringing seems to be imbedded in my head and its starting to bug me. Anyhow, I know this is supposed to be about you, but, when it comes down to it, its really all about me. (please feel free to laugh). Love you all (easier said than done)...

OUT OF SELF: DAY 9.....Yesterday I got to thinking and arrived at the conclusion that there is no god. Then, ironically enough, I went to a church service. During the worship part of the service I had difficulty holding back my tears (not sure what that was all about). It confused me. I was baffled. The topic was sloth. The pastor defined sloth as follows: sloth is when "comfort wins over effort and I fail to do the right thing". Looking back to what took place before my relapse made me realize one thing. I did fail to do the right thing. I had "stuff" that was bothering me and which I did not want to share with anyone because that meant that you would find out that my life isn't perfect. I let my pride and ego get in the way so I couldn't be rigorously honest with myself and with you. I was afraid to ask for help. I'd become self sufficient once again. I stopped sharing my thoughts and stopped being accountable for my actions. Self will run riot. What happened ultimately is that the insanity did, in fact, return. When I chose comfort over effort, I re-activated the addiction process all over again. I found comfort in pain (painful comfort). I chose the possibility of physical death over living life on life's terms. What was the "stuff" I was facing? At work, I was experiencing fear of success and of failure and my boss started to make unreasonable demands on me, I also believed he screwed me out of money. I feared that I'll never find a soul-mate. I feared the future, the past, and the present. I feared that I would not be able to pay back the money I owe. I feared that you had stopped caring....Today I chose comfort over effort again, consequently, I'm feeling powerless and hopeless over my life. I'm not willing to do the simple things that have been suggested, such as updating my resume and look for employment. I don't want to talk to my sponsor because I don't wanna let him know what's on my mind (I have anyway). I am not 100% willing today. I'm sharing this because I don't wanna keep it to myself. I did that before and you know what happened....I'm in fear today because I realize that my chances of making it in this program are less than average. I fear that I lack the capacity to be rigorously honest with myself....I seemed to be focused on the outcome rather then in the action. I'm in the problem more so than I am in the solution. But then, maybe I don't give myself enough credit for the things I do do. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, I don't know........Also, since I believe there's no god, I can't expect god to do for me what I can not do for myself....So...I guess I'll work on my resume and look for employment, even if its just for a few minutes and not because I want to but because its the right thing to do....Love you all (easier said than done)....

OUT OF SELF: DAY 8......Friday night, after my meeting, the obession to use hit me real hard. I had to take a long pause and just sat in the car for a very, very long time making phone calls to everyone I knew. A friend called me back and for the next two hours I sat in a bar, drinking coffee and eating sandwiches. Our friend works as a bartender and is a sober member of AA. I also talked to a couple more friends while I was there and they offered to come to pick me up and to take me home....Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day. I went to three meetings and fellowshipped. The only bad thing was that I ate so much that I made myself sick. I tried to walk it off but it didn't work...I was angry about that. Got home at around 1.30am, clean and sober of course, and went straight to bed. Woke up this morning and went to sunrise sobriety. I'll to go to a meeting at noon, and tonite, I'm going to church with a couple of AA friends . This is new and I'm looking forward to it..Its the last talk of a series on "the seven deadly sins". Tonite: sloth...Love you all (easier said than done)